Note: Last night, I found myself rifling through almost a decade of my life; in the form of images saved from the internet, photos, poems, narrated thoughts – a collection of inspiration, reflection and memories, I guess. I found some pretty interesting pieces of writing which I’d like to share – this one was originally written on the 1st of April, 2013 (I was 21), in a document entitled ‘Sleepland’, from what I described as a “strange, existential weekend”. This is a short narrative about falling in love with a girl.
Her face twisted into that wicked, raw, cat-like grin. There’s no other way to describe it, the feline comparison seems apt to convey that inexplicable sadism – like a cat listlessly toying at it’s half-dead victim.
And when she laughs, bearing those sharp, perfect teeth, god help us all…
Who is she? How does one even begin to describe the phenomenon, no, the calamity, that is… And how did I find myself tangled up in this mess? That’s always what it’s like, isn’t it? One day, everything’s fine, normal, real. Then suddenly
You’re tumbling down the rabbit hole.
And you have no idea how you ended up here. Here. In love with the most beautiful destructive being that ever lived.
The centre of attention, wherever she went. Penetrating blue eyes, a shock of dark brown curls. She spoke with eloquence, her soft lips shaping each word carefully and exactly, crisp. Swears didn’t seem out of place coming out of her mouth so much as precise. If she called you a fucking cunt, you were in fact, a fucking cunt. Carelessly intelligent, and reckless. So reckless.
Did she coming looking for me, or did I go looking for her?
Once this startling discovery had been made, I had to decide how I would handle my feelings. My instincts told me to keep quiet, to hide them in a dark, dusty corner of my mind until perhaps, I would forget?
Who the fuck was I trying to kid? Yeah, because you can totally forget about the object of your desire. Delicious and piping hot, in only three microwave minutes.
Are you kidding?
I have never known how exactly to navigate around a crush, but this was a special case. This was a whole new playing field. An entirely different game.
Every time I spoke to her, I thought I would give myself away. Shit shit shit she knows, constantly in the back of my mind as I made my best attempt at conversation. She was coy at all the right moments, interesting and aloof at the same time. She was everything I wanted to be and everything I wanted to have.
It’s this thinking that delusions are built upon. I want her becomes I need her. I need her becomes she is the answer. All the shit going on in my life, she will solve everything. There must be a way…
Sometimes, there just isn’t a way. Live it out in your dreams and fantasies. The cold breath of reality waits, and you’re not getting any younger.